well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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