i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
