thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Randomize
