Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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