if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
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