True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
