Soap is not a condiment
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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