i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
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