I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
