I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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