Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Randomize
