I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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