I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
