I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
i drank out of a bidet.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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