she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Randomize
