I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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