Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
