Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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