I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Randomize
