Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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