Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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