Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
