The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
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