Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
