I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
