sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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