There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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