the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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