I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
