It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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