Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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