Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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