Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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