i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
