i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
