I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
