Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
