he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
