sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
