i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
