It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
