dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
