I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
