Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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