What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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