Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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