I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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