just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Randomize
