Michael Bay diarrhea
you traded sex for a burrito?
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
