does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
