Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
