got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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