I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Randomize
