I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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