I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
