i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
