He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
