I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
