Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
