I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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