There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
